my heart hurts.

having that intense panicky feeling of just wanting to run away, but there's nowhere to run away to. fuck.

<3

Alone's an addiction, it's such a comforting place.

you used to make me feel safe.

i constantly hurt everyone.

accept it? or fight it?

I liked reality better when it was a dream.

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.

Walls

are built for a reason.
maybe I should remember that.

Srsly one of the most amazing/ coolest things i've ever seen.

please.

Call me one of these days.. I'll answer.

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

My brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth


I'm sick of trying so hard.

These past few days

have been intense to say the least.
not necessarily in a good or bad way.

Life changing.
My mind was opened to so many things, things in which i had never even considered their existence. Adult emotions. There's so much more to life than my wants, needs, and childish games. I finally know what that means. I finally understand what goes on in peoples minds. There is so much more to peoples emotions than my own personal gain. A real relationship is about connection, not who wins the fight.

Drugs.
I finally saw the ugly side. Its there. Be cautious.

Reality.
Life is life. Simple as that. Its not made up of quotes and cliches. Its real.

I have never realized so many things all at once. Its scary, but hopefully I utilize it. I hope it sticks.

The funny thing is that all of this completely goes against the name and purpose of this blog. and i'm glad.

one of those nights

where everything is suddenly so real. everything is still just as jumbled, but yet its so much more clear. like you can suddenly see all of the details, but you still can't understand them. its just so strange to feel again. love, sadness, depression, happiness, bliss, an overwhelming sense of just being completely helpless. but its amazing to know that you actually have someone. someone who says they are there for you and they mean it. someone who offers you a shoulder and holds you when you cry. after all this time of feeling nothing, its like all of those held back feelings are just crashing down all at once. sometimes it hurts and sometimes the moments are flawless. regardless of whether the feelings are good or bad, its astonishing just to feel. the view is so much different from this standpoint. i can feel the keyboard as i type this. i'm not just doing it just because i happened to wander here. thank you.

schmeh.

"emily, do you know why dogs are so quick to wag their tails and cats are so quick to purr? Even the ones that have been lonely, abused, and betrayed?

Because, as is true of all animals, they were instilled with the distant awareness that no matter what the world shows them, they're still deeply loved and needed, that their presence alone has made a difference, and that in just the shake of a leg, seemingly without reason or rhyme, everything can FANTASTICALLY change for the better.

As is true of all people, except sometimes they tend to forget.

Purrfectly,
The Universe"

hello stranger.

So lately I've been thinking a bit more. With more of a clear outlook on past problems. Well things aren't really more clear, there's just new problems and old ones are easier to view from a distance. ha. So this is my apology. You were honestly my best friend for a while there and it really does suck how everything ended up. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry that I hurt you. I know you think I didn't care and that it didn't affect me, but even cold heartless assholes like me hurt when they lose a best friend. ha. I don't want things to change because I really don't think that would be healthy for anyone, I guess I just want to offer a bit of closure. I want you to know that you were one of the most important people in my life and you influenced who I am and who I will become. I still think of you from time to time. I love you and miss you. No matter what happens, don't forget that.

What is Love?

Just kinda occurred to me that this is how I was raised. It's sad really. I can't blame my problems on it, but I'm sure it definitely didn't help. In all areas of my life love has never worked out. Not when I was young, not now. I think I've kinda lost faith. It's heartbreaking to realize.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

haven't been on here in a long time.
weird mood.
i don't even know.


<3

Isn't it funny how everything falls apart?

bragging :]

don't you worry

your pretty little head.
I'll be fine everyone.

The universe is kinda funny to me.

"But emily, what if you did have the power, the reach, and the glory?

What if you were given dominion over all things?

And what if eternity lay before you, brimming with love, friends, and laughter?

Yet still, one day, in all your radiance, bubbling over with giddy excitement, you tripped, fell, and got hurt - really hurt.

Would you give up on all of your dreams? Would you hate yourself? Would you forget life's magic and promise?

Or would you shrug it off, look ahead, and exclaim that it's "just a flesh wound"?

Touché,
The Universe"

All you'll ever get is a pile of rackets that need to be broken.

"Well, I've always wanted what I can't have
But what I get is not enough and
Beggars can't choose, I'll always lose if I don't learn to love
And it's getting pretty hard to get rid of the selfishness
This habits made a mess of me.... of me"

I'm scared too.

everything has been so empty.

4th of July

seems like a day that should be spent with friends.
or maybe even family.
I hate how I always look back on holidays, like to the last couple of years.
helps me to look at who I've become and how my life has changed.

oh well.

calm.

"if you never say what you mean out loud you are never accountable to anyone or anything more than the organ in your body."

this will be

the end of me.
goodnight.

expect a different person in the morning.

sooo

I dunno what to name this blog, but whateva! :]

Anyways, I've been having a REALLY good summer. I swear like every night just gets better and better. Tonight's show was like one of the best shows I've been to in forever. Not even the music part (not that the music was bad, but yeah), but it seemed like eveyone was in a hella good mood. It was really nice to see everyone and stuff :].

Saw Jaci! woop! No more hospital! :]]. Well not right now anyways. aaand saw Schmanuel, Shmake, and Schmavid. bahaha. And Aaron and Nikki. And a few other people. Then I made some new friends. It was a good night :]

LADP! JOIN!

Tonight was honestly

one of the best nights ever.
New crew and it is awesome. haha.
Me, Andrea, and Scotty.

so much fun :]

Seriously,

had a pretty much amazing night!
I haven't had that much fun in forever.

Went to Empire and saw Schmanny, David, Aaron, Nikki, John, and Nik. That literally was like the only people I knew at all there. Kinda sad. Well and a couple of other random people.

Theeen I went to the hookah bar with Scott (Scott WHO?! Scott JONES!). I didn't smoke, but it was fun to just kick it with him! A bit later Andrea called us and wanted to kick it, so we came back to Lodi and picked her up!

Got Jack in the Box, called k-win and made them play birthday sex (hahaha), Hollered at random guys, saw them again later (awkward but fun), kicked it with Albert for like five minutes.

Basically, we spent the entire night acting like crazy people.
It was awesome.

Well yeah, goodnight :]

<3

"Five days ago I died.
but then the really amazing thing happened.
I came to life."



I love Roswell :]

Love Jealous One, Love.

"We will wear compassion
We will wear it on our chests
And sing with love at our throats
Like a child, its all i know"



I'm in kinda a strange mood right now. Definitely not unhappy at all. Just really deep in thought I guess. I've been doing really really great. Everything has been amazing since graduation.

Today I hung out with a friend that I've known almost a year and I realized that I don't know them at all. I'm pretty sure they don't know me at all either. I had alot of fun, but I feel like a stranger to everyone. I just wish I could get close to people and show them who i am. I wish I could know who I am. I've tried to figure it out, but its just an endless cycle.

I just wish things could be how they used to be. Back when everyone was pure and everything was so new. The world was so intriguing. Now its just empty.

The saddest thing is that I'm really not close enough to anyone and I have to express what little I do feel to a blog and the random people who will view it.

No, I'm not emo or depressed, just tired of living the life that I can't stand watching other people live. Caring way too much about what others think of me or what they expect of me, rather than being me.

I just have a few things I need to figure out.

I need to find myself.

Cus it's all in my head.

One of the best genre combinations ever :]

I love Tim McGraw. and Nelly.
<3

Here's to the nights we felt alive.

Tokay High School class of 2009.

I can't believe it<3

:]

Ends, beginnings, and the fears attached. (as well as excitement)

I know I'm not the best at thinking of names for these things. I always feel corny. bahaha.

So today was the last REAL day of school. The rest of the week is some weird schedule for finals. I am officially done with high school as of Friday the 29th. Hella excited about graduation, but also ridiculous amounts of scared.

People keep telling me not to be scared because not that much changes, but honestly that's one of my greatest fears. I'm scared that after this huge milestone I'll still be in the same place, just not attending high school. I want change. I'm ready to start my own life. I see people around me that graduated a few years ago and they are doing the same thing they were doing before they got a diploma. Working in a fast food place, living at home, and going to school with all of the same people they went to high school with (no offense to anyone. ha.) . I just want to really get out i guess.

Then I'm still not sure what I'm doing after I graduate. It's hard cus I don't want to be selfish. So do I do what I feel is really right for me, or do I do what is best for the people around me? No idea.

At the same time, I'm terrified of losing everyone. I thought I would be fine, but I'm a whole lot closer with people than I had ever expected to get. I told myself I wouldn't get attached but I mean, I see them everyday, how could I not? I tried to say goodbye to one friend of mine today and I was on the verge of tears. I hardly even really talk to him, but its just those random little conversations that I'll miss the hell out of.

So much on my mind, but there's nothing to be done about any of it right now. I guess it's time to just go with the flow. Learn to make my own decisions. Create my own life for awhile.

On a lighter note, kicked it with schmanuel and DP for a bit earlier! made my day a lot less sad. gave them their graduation tickets :D. Things like that make me excited, but still uncertain.

I've been trying to live kinda according to this the last few years. Hopefully some of it has caught on and will continue to. (I don't care if this is corny cus I'm graduating. I fucking love it.)



Wish me luck <3

(pretty sure this was my first real post that actually meant something, well in a long time anyways. haha.)

Disney is trying to ruin my childhood.

makes me hella mad! haha.

original version:


new one:


so stupid!!

If you don't like my fire, then don't come around.

I've never "burned one" in my life. baha.
but I love this song.

Tear down my walls

just to give me a reason to build them back up again.

concrete castle.

swim for your life.

just swam for the first time in so long.
amazing to me :].
i feel great!

Just keep your head above.

schmeh.

weird feeling.
I need to post a real blog one of these days. ha.
too time consuming.
sleep deprived.
goodnight.

Guilty conscience.

Maybe you cleared yours, but you're not forgiven.

Seriously, get over yourself.

My God, what a world you love.

It's been a while since I've listened to them<3

"Respect for food is a respect for life..

for who we are and what we do."

I can't wait :]
ahh! today was so amazing! and hella coolski! worked in the kitchen at wine and roses and the executive chef complimented me and told me to turn in a application and stuff! it would make my life to work there. its comfortable, fun, and i love all of the people who work there!
plus its my destiny and its in my blood to work there at some point ;D
bahaha. i cant explain it all, but it was amazing.

yee :]

Schmeh.

In a weird mood. Not bad, not good. Just weird.
I'm so sick of being grounded! Missing my friends.
Needing to get out of the house.

Schmeh.

pshh.

What is a lurker anyhow?

>:D

The way you look tonight

gonna watch this right now :]
its been awhile.

Whats wrong with this picture?

Did you ever stop to think a thief in the night has come to steal your loved ones?
Did you ever take the time to see the world around us is falling apart?

Listening to This Providence makes me feel weird.
Not happy, not sad.

Nostalgic.

We were all so invincible.

Life

is so fragile.

RIP Stephanie Jones.

Been feeling

so lonely.

Self improvement.

I've decided that there are a lot of things that I'm unhappy about
that I can really improve if i make the effort.

I went and got job applications today.
Hopefully I get hired somewhere :]
It would be nice to have some money.
Help out the mother and myself.

I'm gonna start working out again. Been slacking lately.
I really need to get my hair done.
Tired of being blonde. haha.
Pretty expensive though.

California Culinary Academy called me earlier.
I canceled my enrollment.
It was strange how disappointing it was.
Its for the best though.
Maybe I'll go there eventually.
Or maybe even a better culinary school.

I just really don't wanna end up stuck here.
I'm gonna make something of myself.

I like when I feel optimistic about the future.
I just have to try not to lose momentum.
Wish me luck :]

I love

when I have an absolutely horrible day.
and everything is going wrong.
then one person fixes everything.
simply by being there and talking about the most random stuff.
made my night.

alpha.

I have been putting this off for a while now.
Either because I never know what to say.
Or just cus I don't know how to say it.
Thinking about this too much. haha.

Well, this is my new blog.